I don't know what it will be like looking back at these comments in years and thinking I had it all figured out. I was sure Sora was the one - he went back into the firmament, floated on up out of reach, then out of sight. And sometimes I see a small star at night where I know he is, and I look at it and shake my head at the perfect person I wanted to be like and not the perfect person to be with. I won't ever stop feeling that way about him, I don't think.
Kaito is the new kid in town. Something about him is really special. I just don't know what it is. I do honestly really like him. Maybe he's not as good looking as some of the other candidates, but I do like who he is an awful lot. His wonderful brain is attached through a cute body to what could be the most satisfying penis I've ever come across. His dick is in all real terms perfect. It's delicious, and honestly it's the dick I've been looking for. And the head it's attached to is in love with me, which makes it nice when he's going to make a life change to be as close to me as possible for the next as long as he can.
It helps that I also love him, too. He's .. 落ち着け。But on the other hand, he's a wild and talkative 落ち着け that I want to become as well. He's genuinely submissive, I feel like he doesn't need to listen. He's not there yet. I feel like I'm running out of Japanese to use on him. That's ironic and funny. He needs to ask me more questions, he does talk about himself and his experiences a lot. We also talk about the here and now about how this relationship is awesome. He's making a huge life change for someone he doesn't really know, but trusts.
--
A year later, I met Kaito. Funny that he sort of fell out of the sky into my lap when I had been chasing and chasing the other boys for such a long time prior to this. Sora was literally a hunt; I sat on that cliff waiting for that butterfly to come back, and when he did, he had completely evolved. I don't even know what I was looking at anymore. It was not a horseshoe evolution I had hoped for, it was twisted and not flying like it used to. I miss his company, his warm body, and his "japanese-ness". I would have had a lifetime of constantly hoping for more. Ryo offered a similar escape from the familiar with a romance and caution that I felt would sooth me. He wasn't the straightforward grace of Sora. He was just Ryo. There was something sacred about him, he was scared of going "all gay".
I waited for Sora all year. He was the reason the year started for fuck's sake. 6 months into it, Sora's out of the picture. I meet boy after boy, some near, some far, some good at conversations, some good at sex. I'd say the vast majority of the guys I met were my type. I'm into guys. Wow, duh. It's so much easier to date guys. Hang out for a bit, play around, fuck if they're cute enough. Sometimes the conversations are pretty entertaining, too, and I get that nice surge of whatever brain chemical comes with speaking a foreign language fluently.
Kaito was sort of a fluke anyway.
I just read our messages from when we first met. He's so sweet and trying. My Japanese just doesn't make sense sometimes. Wow, did I just introduce proofreading?
He does things that I do, so it's like having a perfect companion. He plays games, he wants me to play with his dick, we talk, we cook. I like to stay up late and laugh. he likes to get up early and make coffee for everybody. I love this man. We really could start some sort of family.
So that is what I have now. It's a real relationship. A real gay relationship. I think the difference was that I never found somebody that I felt would protect me from it all. Now I did - whoever could possibly confront me on being gay won't hurt me at all because I instead have this man that I love that loves me back. I real significant other. He's more than that. He's my other half. It's strange because usually I want to be the people I'm into man-wise. But he's just all of the things I want in a best friend and partner and he loves me back. I think I'm all of those things to him as well. I need to figure out what I'm missing, what I can provide, and what I can try to do emotionally. The problems is I analyze everything so much that I eliminated my emotions completely in the past. Here's somebody that I feel needs some additional emotional support that I should be able to provide - at least to the standards that a man needs emotional support. I don't know many gay couples. Actually, aside from a few older women who I've never thought of as humans at all up until this point in my life, I don't think I know any gay couples. What?!
So Kaito needs to move here. We can be close together every day. I don't know how long it's going to last before every single night one of us stays at the other's apartment. He's so fucking special to me. それも日本語をできるようになりましたね。難しいのは長い説明。それを何回もう説明しました。たくさんのデートさんと話したときはさあ。
俺も日本語を自分でタイピングすることがありません。いつもちょっと文章っぽいやつだけができましたと思う。だが、今、スムーズ日本語をお水のようなdelugeは今注いでいる。
毎日カイト君と一緒に過ごす。日本語をだんだん使って、上手になる。何について話した？過去の話題、もう一回話した？練習したいものあるのでしょうか？自分で、どんな口で話すの？外国人はそんな考えを一切考えたことないと思う。
実はこの通りだ。時々ため口。時々丁寧語。敬語も登場してはる。冗談と皮肉的な使い方ある。
自分のために、ブロッグを書く。もう一回読むことある？じゃ、確かに。日本語になれば、他の人からの防御力アップだと思う。馬鹿な思想だな。
カイト君を聞いてもらいたいこと
それ自体。
so what am i? What axis is that even trying to look down even? I want to be a happy meat robot as long as possible. I know that means taking care of onesself, so I should probably get on that, too. I love Kaito. He's going to be around for a really long time, especially if this move goes smoothly. I want to hold him, sleep with him, have sex with him, go on trips with him, talk about life, contemporary stuff, everything. we're already best friends. I want that to last forever.
