4/23 Storm before the Calm

It's funny when you have somewhat an expectation of things but they turn out completely different. That was my day today; a stupid "date" that ended up being almost a complete waste of time.

But time is nothing to really worry about. I have nothing but time for the next 4.5 months. I'm excited to go to Montana just to get my mind off of things for awhile. 10 days, two and a half in the sky, means that's plenty of time to stop thinking about missing Sora so much and what my life is really like without him.

This is a strange time for me - work is obviously completely blowing me away, but I feel like I have absolutely nothing else to latch onto. I would usually write these long things about how I need to program more, how I need to exercise more, how I need to study more, but I feel like the light has just drained out of my whole world. And it's not just Sora being gone that's doing it to me, I feel like I have absolutely nothing. Even if work was going well, even if Sora was here by my side, I feel totally empty. I don't know what it is, it's like everything I've tried so hard to get over these last few years of my life has been for absolutely nothing and I have no redeeming value remaining.

And deep down, I know that isn't true at all. I've come into my own for a lot of things, and obviously my Japanese has reached a point where I can just be (minus skype lol). But really, I don't know what I want to accomplish from here. The cartoon? Sounds fun. I have every possible thing I need to produce an amazing, funny, thought provoking piece about something. But I just have zero motivation to sit down and make it a reality. Same for a book, same for short stories. I'd rather sit here and pretend I'm happy to just masturbate to the same videos and pictures I have for the last decade.

Really, though, I don't feel like I'm just wasting away, either. I feel like it's something else. A stagnant something. Like I'm just going to let the rest of the world keep moving, and I'm going to sit here watching it progress while there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do with myself, and I can't start anything huge now - i'm leaving the country in just a few day's time.