Fear is a strange emotion. Somewhere on the border if fight or flight, perched at the edge of emminent danger, fear waits in hiding ready to strike. Usually it comes as a direct response to actual physical danger, but since we as a species have eliminated all but our own self-inflicted troubles, fear remains in the back seat waiting for its time to shine.
Sometimes my dreams feel more real that usual. I can't separate the dream world from reality. I wake up confused. I wake up relieved. If we can't exercise our response to fear enducing stimuli in the real world, our minds still create it for us in our sleep.
Last night was not about physical danger, but what I fear most - losing Sora. My mind floated a warning. It clued me into the terrifying reality that I'm completely clueless about. It came in the form of a phonecall in a dream. An accidental phonecall at that. Sora was annoyed. He was frustrated. He wanted me to go away. And I know this is not just some hallucination but an abject reality. He has a new life, he doesn't need me around reminding him that he's needed back here, too.
The signs are rare and subtle. They face the wrong way on a highway, as if blown around by the wind. Sora has a life and a support network that doesn't involve me. And that's the frustrating part about all of this. I know for certain who I am.and what relationship I want to be a part of, and how much I want the other person to be him. But it's emotionally unsustainable. I am annoying, I don't hide enough. I say what I'm feeling. The things I provide do not create comfort. I'm not easy. Certainly not. And yet I expect the world from a man who is looking for something easy. I thus haven't provided him with what he needs, either.
I'm a social creature with no social side. I like to talk, analyze, consider, investigate. New people come into my den, spin around, and leave. I capture the hearts of the eager until they realize I focus too much. It's not sustainable. It's not controllable. It sure as hell isn't easy.
But Sora is too nice. He's sleeping around because he gets comfort out of it. Now he's living with this guy. Is he happy? Is he fulfilled? I have no idea. I'm the pathetic one begging to find out like some crazed fan.
I don't hate myself for being like this, I just hate what it does to my relationships. Let's look at the rules for a minute. Rules are important to me, that's what gives me a framework for improvement. Maybe that's why this relationship is so hard. I don't know what the rules are. I play by my own. I'll come back to the some other day.
Sora is getting happy, but I'm invisible to him. I love him. I wish he knew what to do. I wish I knew what to do. And sitting him down and asking is where our incompatibilities lie; my success in this relationship lies in a few places: provide Sora physical wealth, provide him a framework to feel like he has worth, and provide him with an outlet to grow.
Maybe typing that out was what I needed. So, consider where and what he's got now. Money? Check. New boyfriend is rich and has lots of nice stuff. He definitely takes the monetary pressure off. Sora is able to give Chris sex; I didn't, or couldn't, but Sora wants to give that to me. God I hope so. Lastly, Chris gives him the opportunity to grow- full time language practice, in a foreign country, with no responsibility. That sounds exactly like what he wants. With constant ego boosting (Sora wants to hear how beautiful he is), and barebones emotional support, sounds like a great match for Sora. Damn. So I need to be more like Chris and less pathetic. I can try.
So does this mean we shouldn't talk? I just need to look like I'm doing well for myself, that Sora can come and be my boy and his quality of life will improve. That's the ultimate challenge. I'd be annoyed with me, too, if somebody was dumping nothing but emotional garbage on me. Esp in the way I am. I am playing with fire. How many weeks until he gets back?
But he doesn't need to know all of this internal shit. I wish he cared. He's not my psychiatrist. I have other friends for that. Once he trusts me as the strong one, I think this relationship will work. I can't be miserable in the meantime though.
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