7/29 Game Jam

One of those days, you know?

Leo moving back to China really grinds the old gears. Especially since he's coming back the week after Sora comes back. It makes a little more sense why he was a little distant in the previous few months, but I guess I could have had it worse.

My mind isn't all here tonight. So much going on. Still got pain, still on crazy meds, I feel like my hands are heavier than they have ever been. I'm actually strangely having a hard time concentrating on what I'm doing, I don't know if it's the fault of the tobacco or something else.

7/21 Friends

I always liked to think of myself as a social critter, but now that I'm experimenting with a couple more friends, I don't know if I can really keep it up. I'm turning into my dad: somebody who only really talks when there's talkin' that need to be done. That doesn't mean I don't talk to other people all the time, but I won't go out of my way to chat it up with somebody if I don't have to.

Sora sent me a birthday present, he obviously didn't know that it was my birthday (I'm sure he got a notification about it on his phone) and then he decided to send me something. I don't know why he's doing it. I don't know what kind of boyfriend he's going to be once he comes back. I'm so confused! I wish he was just gone forever so I could focus on the rest of my life. I worry that this is the real curse of adulthood - it's hard to connect with people and have real conversations.

Which really makes this whole thing such a bunk. I make friends but I don't know just how close they want to be. Leo is a nice guy - too nice. Too quiet. I wish we would share more. I don't know what type of person he is, which could be part of the cultural gap I keep trying to explore. Jun #1 is too bitchy; He is stuck in his own world and his own selfishness. Jun #2 could be exactly the type of friend I've been looking for, but I don't know quite what to give to him in terms of friendship. He lives in Osaka. Who else is in my life? Kouhei, talked to him once and he disappeared. Giulia is a girl lol. Sora is ... gone. Heart crushing. He'll be back, I'll be too nice, and then I'll resent the relationship for not going anywhere. We'll see how his English is. Maybe his personality will be completely different, too.

That doesn't leave me with very much left. There are so many people that claim they want "friends" but earning friends and keeping friends are two different things. As with the GDC experiment - just because you ask somebody to communicate with you or ask somebody to be your friend, it doesn't mean that they are going to come back and actually be one with you. I am strangely still alone in the world. I share my subtle victories with Cassy when I have to, and then wonder when the world is going to share their victories with me.

7/13 Overheating

It's already 36 outside and mid July. I'm going to straight up roast when August comes around. Sora comes back 9 weeks from today. I'm not emotionally prepared for it. I'm not really prepared for anything.

So what's really been going wrong lately? After the std scare, I'm so fucking scared of people. I don't know what I want. Leo is cool, I guess, but I is so distant, most of it is the language. He's really the reason I'm posting tonight, a post I haven't made in a seriously long time.

I need somebody who can care for me emotionally. It's not easy, I think that's the kind of caring face I've mostly been looking for over the past lifetime. I need someone who can just hold me when I'm having a bad day. Of course, I'll be there for them, too. Is it Sora? Probably not, at least not today. He's stuck in his own life. I certainly care for him a ton, but if I don't get anything back from him, I'm really sad. Leo is just distant, he's a weird emotional rebound from Sora, who was the catalyst. Jun... Oh what to do about Jun. He could be perfect. He is in love with me and we don't even know each other. I could see myself seriously loving him back, though. It's just a killer he doesn't live here. He needs to know the truth.

Aside from my destroyed emotional state, I don't know what I want. The heat destroys me physically, work destroys me mentally. I have nothing left to use to fight socially and emotionally. Koichi is certainly going to be a burden. Yuck. I love that little puffball, too. I'd be taking the subway everyday if he didn't exist ;)

I need to figure out my life. Ffffuuuu not this shit again...