another post

I can write and write and write, but without any direction does it really matter? It's not like i have a bunch of notecards in front of me laying out some structure to the words, they just leave my fingers.

And it's sad. Really. I can barely read a book and understand. Along with this, I have listened to a lot of songs and had small visions of the content of the lyrics. Unfortunately for me, my wife points out something like "this song must really be the internal struggle for the singer at the time of his mother's death" and i go HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT AT ALL!!!!!! that's the kind of world I live in. When i was in school, i was the smart kid. Now that I'm not in school, I have trouble performing to the level that others want me to. Fuck, even now I'm starting to swear and get all beligerant-like. I can't spell when the red lines are turned off, I don't really care at all. It's unbelievable that this is the type of sentences that come out of my fingers because if you were trying to read and comprehend any of this nonsense you'd say to yourself holy cow that is one upset and angry individual. blah.

I've typed so much in the last twenty minutes that I feel like my hands are about to explode. Fire and smoke, little green plastic toys erupting out of my metacarpels. You'd have to be in one of my physics classes from college in order to understand that.

So lets talk about perspective just a little bit because it is oh-so important but its a topic that never comes up in american life. People are too concerned with the physical objects they have and don't have (more importantly the ones they don't have) and so they fail to see that they have so many things already. Don't care, too hard, will type about later.

I have tried really hard not to chew my fingernails. It's like the hardest habit ever to break. I tried not chewing them for almost a full week. My fingernails were long and unsightly (to me). I tried filing them, clipping them, anything. But then the stresses build up in my life. I go in for the kill. I start on one little corner and just barely sink my teeth into them. It feels so amazing. I rip it slightly, just one little piece won't hurt. It creates a few more places to rip off and bite. The tip of my fingernail is now rough and unruly. It must be bitten off. I then start to chew the dead skin around my fingernails, ripping it into the quick and blood. New flaps develop and the process goes on until my fingertips are bloody, barren. No fingernails left to chew on any finger. I then pick away at any loose skin on the fingertips at all, and it doesn't matter if they are bleeding out everywhere.

I feel like I just want to talk and talk and talk all the time but i have no audience. I sit in my office and don't say a word unless people talk to me. I am an intellectual with a whole pile of topics to talk about and words to use. But people don't care, people would rather tell me about some dumb movie or tv show they had the privilage of watching the night before. I never felt like talking about these things because they do not represent me in any way. People ask me questions about japanese or the books I read or TV shows I watch. I have no idea what to say. I'll say something simple, something dumb. Barely scratch the surface of my thing. They MUST interject with the most incoherent first thing that enters their minds. OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT THAT GUY FROM THE PHILIPPINES SAID THAT THING AND HOLY CRAP WASN'T IT SOOO FUNNY!??! I hate my life most of the time.

People ask me questions about the sad state of the world. I don't know how to respond ever. I feel like the top percent of people have simply stolen all of the money, whether or not through "legal" means or not. It's not like people that legitly use capitalism to get their money are actually bad people, for instance Bill Gates, he has decided that there is no need for one individual to have so much money so he gives away billions upon billions of his money every year to people that truly need it. But greed and security with money seem to ruin the world for everyone who does not have any. People with nothing are demonized for being greedy, people with everything do everything they can to make sure they do not lose anything. There is no transparency to the way this works. It sucks. The rich get upset when they lose some insignificant percentage of their money. The poor live the burden of not having anything to give away in the first place. No justice, no equality. Just greed and unhappiness.

Here is the part of the blog where I type in a voice i don't usually have. It takes a few paragraphs over a few pages to get into that mindset. In the beginning, it's just about how i feel, how i don't have the emotion i want or the world's impact on my own ego. But then down the page something really changes, my emotions give up and only the sight remains. I feel like killing people is the only real solution, but bulletproof vests and bodyguards always get in the way. Is this not how entropy works in the first place anyway? Only a few can succeed. There is no future for the rest.

But lets talk about the rest, shall we. I drove through Wisconsin over the weekend and it was one of the most horrific visions I have ever had in my entire life. Everywhere around me walked people who were 300lbs or more. They look like cattle, and for good measure. They are loaded with cattle growth hormones! No wonder humans look that way. They eat and eat, the food they eat is laced with chemicals that makes them want to constantly eat more. They are told they just need to watch what they eat, they need to exercise a piddly 30 minutes a day. That is impossible to follow; people live in a world of instant success and instant gratification. There is no way people can follow a regimine of eating proper and exercising proper for six months to a year. Try it yourself, unless it is some serious lifestyle change and routine, it is impossible.

But that never matters, there are pills for everything. Are you a sick disgusting blog of a person? Try the new Califragilax now in suppository form. It will make you shit pure oil and eliminate your diabetes. Why eat less or exercise when you could just ask your doctor to make you take some fucking pill instead. From the makers of Widgipulfrilax for men.

My profession makes me hypocritical, too. I want nothing more for people to leave their houses, put down their shining screens, leave their greed behind. But no, in my day job I try my hardest to figure out how to make people want to sit on a couch staring at one of these screens for as long as possible. It is impossible to deny. But since i fail at that, i fail at life. This is like the most depressing blog post of all time.