start of something fresh

I needed a new place to put my ideas down. Someday somebody is going to type in the name "self synopsis" and be frustrated that they cannot have this space for their own. That's life on the internet these days, once you have a good idea you are always sad to find out somebody else has thought of it first.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life at this point. I've been studying japanese for years, am a professional game programmer, make a great living in Chicago, married to a wonderful woman who loves me and pushes me forward every day. My life is full.

But it sucks.

I have to live every day worrying about the fate of the planet, I watch in horror as humans maim and kill each other over the dumbest of things. I feel like my entire life is some referrendum where I watch insanity defeat normalcy. I was fortunate to be born into an upper-middle class family in Montana. My thoughts are random, my ideas are random. My creativity has taken a backseat because of all the shit that goes on in the world. It's chaos, it has always been chaos.

But now I'm just typing to get some of these words out of my head. I feel like it has been innundated with so many different concepts and musts that now I'm stuck creating a blog so I can have a little piece of privacy! amazing. I don't care if anybody on my facebook can read this, I don't care if anybody on my facebook even survives to the end of the decade. I am a bitter sociopath with no need for 90% of the rest of humanity.

My wife challenged me to think if I would remain sane if I didn't interact with humans for a full three years. She likes to challenge me. I hate it. It makes me completely uncomfortable. And that thought there tells me that maybe I would be ok alone for that period of time. As long as I had regular food to eat, I wouldn't be stressed out by all of the other problems that face my world. Of course, I'd probably be concerned about wild animals trying to eat my face. It's that sort of terrible place out there.

I like the freedom and free-flowing ability that a blog gives me, I haven't typed anything up like this in years. Before it was always about religion or politics, homosexuality or drugs. I can't control what thoughts leave my fingertips and their polished black aoeuhtns layout.

Back to the imagination thing because that has been on my mind constantly. I was very content not knowing my flaws, but my wife has a way of getting me to notice them, no matter how uncomfortable they are. The big issues that seem to get me in trouble nowdays are my creativity, my left-brained world (and thus lack of a right-brain), my inability to comprehend anything in a book, and thus any problem relating to my inability to imagine things with that ol' right-brain of mine. I've been trying to blame its imperfection on a playground incident from 23 years ago where a horse-shaped swing slammed into my right temple with two kids riding it. Close range. I remember the incident so well, but my head has never been the same. People tell me that my head is smaller than the rest of my body, I have the worst headaches (on the left-side of my head of course) and whenever i close my eyes to imagine things it's just dark outlines that go away after a fraction of a second.

I tried today to draw with my left hand, but the images were scary, barely visible, just stark strokes of a crazy person on white paper. In the end the images somewhat resembled what I was going for but not at all what they would for someone who knows what the fuck is going on. Maybe the more I do that the better I will become. I can tell you already that writing this online has made me feel a lot better about myself, even if i am the only person on the planet that knows it exists and will ever go to check it (and never read it again, because i love the stream of consciousness thing that is going on right now.)

with the Dvorak keyboard layout you can type really fast as well, and with very very few mistakes. Only when i start thinking about mistakes do i make them. My fingers flow over the keyboard like the soft ...... ERRURRRERRE see i can't even come up with a valid analogy for that picture. It's not like soft creamy icecream cream that a wind surfer would surf over. Now that's brilliant writing right there. fuck my life.