so climate change is real. people are like totally super fucked. Where would be a decent place to live that could sustain any trouble for any long period of time?

Japan has SOO MUCH LABOR holy shit it has a lot of labor.

I have chosen not to continue my line, As of writing this, there is still one fertile human male with my last name that's still alive. Good luck, Jack.

As humanity digs itself to an infinitely accelerating bottomless pit, we will eventually hit light speed. that moment of pure light speed will force all survivors to pick a direction, left or right. the ones that don't pick left or right die, or, their lineage ends. given the fucking enormosity of that light speed climate change cliffhanger,

on the walls of that bottomless pit lies carved statues of great humans that have lived before us. Some of the statues are so big and so important, people know where they are and can point history's telescope back to their locations on that wall with bizarre accuracy. Of course, the lens is always blurry, so even though see a smudge that you're sure is part of the statue, it might not always be that good. Some people also throw shit up and the stations and cover them. For example, donald trump has a solid gold statue and many many names. he's going to be remembered forever as the reason for this. but that steaming pile of shit covering up that gold statue will be what he's remembered for.

8/14 just one of those days

I shouldn't ultimately be upset at myself for this date that just went fucking wrong tonight. If he's not interested in me, I have to remember that that eliminates him from the "being my type" pool. He might be the most beautiful boy in the whole world (Sora, est 2016) but that doesn't make him somebody I want to spend a large amount of my life with.

Yuu is starting to warm up to my silliness. I really hope he gets me. I think there's certainly ways that I can poke and prod him to ultimately be ready to just talk to me when he sees me face to face for the first time. He's really something special and I can't let somebody like him get away. Even if I have to go the distance most of the time, I am truly just grateful that he's somebody that might exist in my life. Yea, I don't know if it's the drugs talking or what but I sure feel good tonight even after a fucking date that just went south.

And in the end, yea, wasn't that the fucking hell shit I went through. I'm glad I told that story to a bunch of different people. It really helps me get behind it and know that it's pretty much not something I should ultimately be happy with. In the end, even though I've blurted to reddit that I'm in love with this guy who I don't even know, you have people like Darryl, Cassy, Giulia, Toma. Forgot Ross so i'm adding him as an edit. Is there anybody else I'm racing to tell about my problems?  とも I don't know so well but he looks like he's going to be one of those internet friends that I get to just hold on to for awhile. I'm so glad I have one, they are honestly really good people and I think they keep me honest. I don't talk to my parents anymore because they honestly don't want anything to do with my dating life. Maybe i'll call my sister one of these mornings so we can catch up before the big party.

I love how every boy I have any mild interest in at this moment has the same name. Yooh is a funny looking name. Yuu is my man. 悠 took awhile to find that kanji but it's also pronounced the same. Then there's Yuki, who I would probably never call just Yu.

let me at least suck a dick tomorrow night and we'll figure out who we want to call what and tell to whom during the 添い寝. God damn i need Yuu's head on my chest.

8/11 emotions

what a weird situation i have fallen into. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I need to just be with Yuu.

I can't say i feel anything. I mean, there's like this horrifying loss or something, I don't quite know how to describe it. I don't think he's going to be with me in the end anyway. I had sex and slept peacefully with somebody completely different last night and I felt absolutely nothing. The sex was ok, but passionless. I thought about Yuu during the sex. I need to hold him, have his warm head on my chest and softly drift asleep with him there. It's beyond how I feel about Sora. It's beyond how I feel about most of the guys I want to be with. I think he could be something else.

And I'm troubled knowing that I know he doesn't feel the same way about me, but I have to try to just be with him at least once.

Songs are emotion. That's all they are. I have been feeling very "Mr. Wonderful" lately and luckily as an upbeat version of it. I want to feel something else. I can't. Yuu's in Tokyo.

8/8 dear diary

yea, it's funny that humans operate this way. I have to talk to somebody to retain a voice. So why do I want the hottest guy I can imagine to be someone that's my voice? It doesn't really even make sense.

Let's look at some of the other voices I have.

Maa. I can't talk about work stuff. He's making my life hard. I need to tell that to him in a private way.

Thomas - i am uncomfortable about talking about specific sex acts with him. It's like a weird form of shame. He knows pretty much everything about me and my life, and maybe i'm excited that there's one person in the world who would actually be sad if I left.

Bai - hard in another language. she knows a bit about me. I would love her to open up to me. part of me would still do her. that sexual tension is rich and fragrant.

So Yuu needs a voice. what is it?
I think it's me, in Japanese. a full commitment of myself as somebody else in a completely different culture and language. he's beautiful and there's real motivation there. My motivation for him is that I want somebody that looks like him to sleep on my chest every night of the week. Maybe I feel like I need the protection still. 

I need protection. from what.
loneliness
disconnection
and this defines the type of relationship that i want. ideally, this relationship would just be us chatting about anything that comes up and genuinely enjoy the few times a month I could go down to osaka and be his best friend. after years, if we were still best friends, maybe try to make something of it, but honestly he's young and he should be out there making mistakes while he can. either way, i still feel like I need this being to protect me from something.

of course, being a gay man, i need it to be a person with a shared experience that I can connect to in a way that other people can't. I think that's going to be his thing. I need a way to show him that I'm not very different, and that may encourage him to create a voice in me that he doesn't really think he has. That's my ultimate goal with all this stuff, to have this person that's just there, who wants me.

I need confidence. I only have so many hours in the day. My new hobby just became Yuu. the hobby will last as long as I feel like I'm getting out of it what I'm putting into it. So, for the sake of this situation, what do I ultimately want from him?
Genuine curiosity - if i start explaining something completely whack, he might actually find something to pick at


the ideal relationship, including compromises.
I'm this guy who has a lot of wisdom that you want. He's like brimming at the seams with so much he doesn't know how to handle it. He's also sexy, we met that way first. It's not like a "have my children" sexy, but it's something. Definitely animal. He seems

I guess when it comes from me, I'm american. please realize two facts. one, when i speak japanese, i become a different person. and two, i've never said these things to anybody IN japanese before, so you're seeing a part of me I have never even shown myself.
two, culturally there are different rules, so you're literally experiencing my culture through my words and experiences. the way I say things may sound strange and uncomfortable, but remember that some of it is completely unintentional, and I am a channel of that culture.

boring.

We would meet whenever we could, reasonably speaking. I would just be another hobby, and over time we would involve each other in parts of our lives. I have to say that I do get jealous. I don't know if i could swallow him being with another person unless I was 100% sure he didn't have that same relationship with somebody else.

so now you know enough about what i am, and time to tell you what I can do.

I'm a computer programmer. Computer are electrical machines that do a series of instructions one at a time until there's no more instructions to do. My job is to organize the instructions in a way that creates the illusion of something happening. There has to be a small enough number of them so that I can not only calculate a physical scene but draw a picture of it from a certain angle 60 times a second.

As I got better with computers, my research took me in one main direction and two side directions. obviously how to do the previous thing fast enough is my main research and will go on until the day I retire. I'm not pushing for advanced visual fidelity or any of that crap, I'm looking for the shortest instruction set that can keep a human indefinitely entertained. It sounds absolutely terrifying when I put it that way, but that is my ultimate goal. Many companies have come very close to producing these pieces of software, and for many different reasons. I want to not only keep a person occupied but use that time as wisely as possible, presenting them with realities they are not able to experience.  This also includes the ability for multiple people to interact in this same reality, not unlike SAO. But, I'm not talking just about living in a world that looks like medival europe. I'm talking what if you entered a reality where you were no longer human but were something much more primal.

My research also extends well into mathematical fields. I can use the computer to organize data, even data it generates. These data structures can then be viewed in different ways to retrieve different results. A recent example is showing a computer program the text to Harry Potter. It can find how the words are connected in different chains and then read through those chains to automatically generate new sentences.

When I was younger I did a lot of drugs. Sometimes you will meet an older person who has done drugs for a long time and their minds are totally messed up. I have certainly changed, but I feel my perspectives on everything has completely removed myself when thinking about things. For example, I was hit by my parents as a child.

What don't i have? what would make this ideal for me?

I just need somebody that i love to show my that they are thinking about me. it's super selfish isn't it. god, i don't even want to read this text. Maybe this is what cassy was talking about.

Cassy - i don't want her to know that I'm happier now, or how I'm happier now.

so what do i want from this guy. Youth to look at me in my eyes and smile. tell me that they love me.

i want my chest to be his home base. A place he just wants to live. that's the only thing i want. it's like a want a son. but he's more than that, a person that has already had a full life of experience and wonder they want to talk about. I've been on adventures places, and that's fun, but i'm ready to explore someone else's mind.

and that's what i can provide. a place to feel safe. A place to be treated with the intellectual stimulation forever. and only for you, Yuu-kun, i will stay with you until you find someplace better to be. You are free to fly, you are the wind.