so climate change is real. people are like totally super fucked. Where would be a decent place to live that could sustain any trouble for any long period of time?

Japan has SOO MUCH LABOR holy shit it has a lot of labor.

I have chosen not to continue my line, As of writing this, there is still one fertile human male with my last name that's still alive. Good luck, Jack.

As humanity digs itself to an infinitely accelerating bottomless pit, we will eventually hit light speed. that moment of pure light speed will force all survivors to pick a direction, left or right. the ones that don't pick left or right die, or, their lineage ends. given the fucking enormosity of that light speed climate change cliffhanger,

on the walls of that bottomless pit lies carved statues of great humans that have lived before us. Some of the statues are so big and so important, people know where they are and can point history's telescope back to their locations on that wall with bizarre accuracy. Of course, the lens is always blurry, so even though see a smudge that you're sure is part of the statue, it might not always be that good. Some people also throw shit up and the stations and cover them. For example, donald trump has a solid gold statue and many many names. he's going to be remembered forever as the reason for this. but that steaming pile of shit covering up that gold statue will be what he's remembered for.

8/14 just one of those days

I shouldn't ultimately be upset at myself for this date that just went fucking wrong tonight. If he's not interested in me, I have to remember that that eliminates him from the "being my type" pool. He might be the most beautiful boy in the whole world (Sora, est 2016) but that doesn't make him somebody I want to spend a large amount of my life with.

Yuu is starting to warm up to my silliness. I really hope he gets me. I think there's certainly ways that I can poke and prod him to ultimately be ready to just talk to me when he sees me face to face for the first time. He's really something special and I can't let somebody like him get away. Even if I have to go the distance most of the time, I am truly just grateful that he's somebody that might exist in my life. Yea, I don't know if it's the drugs talking or what but I sure feel good tonight even after a fucking date that just went south.

And in the end, yea, wasn't that the fucking hell shit I went through. I'm glad I told that story to a bunch of different people. It really helps me get behind it and know that it's pretty much not something I should ultimately be happy with. In the end, even though I've blurted to reddit that I'm in love with this guy who I don't even know, you have people like Darryl, Cassy, Giulia, Toma. Forgot Ross so i'm adding him as an edit. Is there anybody else I'm racing to tell about my problems?  とも I don't know so well but he looks like he's going to be one of those internet friends that I get to just hold on to for awhile. I'm so glad I have one, they are honestly really good people and I think they keep me honest. I don't talk to my parents anymore because they honestly don't want anything to do with my dating life. Maybe i'll call my sister one of these mornings so we can catch up before the big party.

I love how every boy I have any mild interest in at this moment has the same name. Yooh is a funny looking name. Yuu is my man. 悠 took awhile to find that kanji but it's also pronounced the same. Then there's Yuki, who I would probably never call just Yu.

let me at least suck a dick tomorrow night and we'll figure out who we want to call what and tell to whom during the 添い寝. God damn i need Yuu's head on my chest.

8/11 emotions

what a weird situation i have fallen into. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I need to just be with Yuu.

I can't say i feel anything. I mean, there's like this horrifying loss or something, I don't quite know how to describe it. I don't think he's going to be with me in the end anyway. I had sex and slept peacefully with somebody completely different last night and I felt absolutely nothing. The sex was ok, but passionless. I thought about Yuu during the sex. I need to hold him, have his warm head on my chest and softly drift asleep with him there. It's beyond how I feel about Sora. It's beyond how I feel about most of the guys I want to be with. I think he could be something else.

And I'm troubled knowing that I know he doesn't feel the same way about me, but I have to try to just be with him at least once.

Songs are emotion. That's all they are. I have been feeling very "Mr. Wonderful" lately and luckily as an upbeat version of it. I want to feel something else. I can't. Yuu's in Tokyo.

8/8 dear diary

yea, it's funny that humans operate this way. I have to talk to somebody to retain a voice. So why do I want the hottest guy I can imagine to be someone that's my voice? It doesn't really even make sense.

Let's look at some of the other voices I have.

Maa. I can't talk about work stuff. He's making my life hard. I need to tell that to him in a private way.

Thomas - i am uncomfortable about talking about specific sex acts with him. It's like a weird form of shame. He knows pretty much everything about me and my life, and maybe i'm excited that there's one person in the world who would actually be sad if I left.

Bai - hard in another language. she knows a bit about me. I would love her to open up to me. part of me would still do her. that sexual tension is rich and fragrant.

So Yuu needs a voice. what is it?
I think it's me, in Japanese. a full commitment of myself as somebody else in a completely different culture and language. he's beautiful and there's real motivation there. My motivation for him is that I want somebody that looks like him to sleep on my chest every night of the week. Maybe I feel like I need the protection still. 

I need protection. from what.
loneliness
disconnection
and this defines the type of relationship that i want. ideally, this relationship would just be us chatting about anything that comes up and genuinely enjoy the few times a month I could go down to osaka and be his best friend. after years, if we were still best friends, maybe try to make something of it, but honestly he's young and he should be out there making mistakes while he can. either way, i still feel like I need this being to protect me from something.

of course, being a gay man, i need it to be a person with a shared experience that I can connect to in a way that other people can't. I think that's going to be his thing. I need a way to show him that I'm not very different, and that may encourage him to create a voice in me that he doesn't really think he has. That's my ultimate goal with all this stuff, to have this person that's just there, who wants me.

I need confidence. I only have so many hours in the day. My new hobby just became Yuu. the hobby will last as long as I feel like I'm getting out of it what I'm putting into it. So, for the sake of this situation, what do I ultimately want from him?
Genuine curiosity - if i start explaining something completely whack, he might actually find something to pick at


the ideal relationship, including compromises.
I'm this guy who has a lot of wisdom that you want. He's like brimming at the seams with so much he doesn't know how to handle it. He's also sexy, we met that way first. It's not like a "have my children" sexy, but it's something. Definitely animal. He seems

I guess when it comes from me, I'm american. please realize two facts. one, when i speak japanese, i become a different person. and two, i've never said these things to anybody IN japanese before, so you're seeing a part of me I have never even shown myself.
two, culturally there are different rules, so you're literally experiencing my culture through my words and experiences. the way I say things may sound strange and uncomfortable, but remember that some of it is completely unintentional, and I am a channel of that culture.

boring.

We would meet whenever we could, reasonably speaking. I would just be another hobby, and over time we would involve each other in parts of our lives. I have to say that I do get jealous. I don't know if i could swallow him being with another person unless I was 100% sure he didn't have that same relationship with somebody else.

so now you know enough about what i am, and time to tell you what I can do.

I'm a computer programmer. Computer are electrical machines that do a series of instructions one at a time until there's no more instructions to do. My job is to organize the instructions in a way that creates the illusion of something happening. There has to be a small enough number of them so that I can not only calculate a physical scene but draw a picture of it from a certain angle 60 times a second.

As I got better with computers, my research took me in one main direction and two side directions. obviously how to do the previous thing fast enough is my main research and will go on until the day I retire. I'm not pushing for advanced visual fidelity or any of that crap, I'm looking for the shortest instruction set that can keep a human indefinitely entertained. It sounds absolutely terrifying when I put it that way, but that is my ultimate goal. Many companies have come very close to producing these pieces of software, and for many different reasons. I want to not only keep a person occupied but use that time as wisely as possible, presenting them with realities they are not able to experience.  This also includes the ability for multiple people to interact in this same reality, not unlike SAO. But, I'm not talking just about living in a world that looks like medival europe. I'm talking what if you entered a reality where you were no longer human but were something much more primal.

My research also extends well into mathematical fields. I can use the computer to organize data, even data it generates. These data structures can then be viewed in different ways to retrieve different results. A recent example is showing a computer program the text to Harry Potter. It can find how the words are connected in different chains and then read through those chains to automatically generate new sentences.

When I was younger I did a lot of drugs. Sometimes you will meet an older person who has done drugs for a long time and their minds are totally messed up. I have certainly changed, but I feel my perspectives on everything has completely removed myself when thinking about things. For example, I was hit by my parents as a child.

What don't i have? what would make this ideal for me?

I just need somebody that i love to show my that they are thinking about me. it's super selfish isn't it. god, i don't even want to read this text. Maybe this is what cassy was talking about.

Cassy - i don't want her to know that I'm happier now, or how I'm happier now.

so what do i want from this guy. Youth to look at me in my eyes and smile. tell me that they love me.

i want my chest to be his home base. A place he just wants to live. that's the only thing i want. it's like a want a son. but he's more than that, a person that has already had a full life of experience and wonder they want to talk about. I've been on adventures places, and that's fun, but i'm ready to explore someone else's mind.

and that's what i can provide. a place to feel safe. A place to be treated with the intellectual stimulation forever. and only for you, Yuu-kun, i will stay with you until you find someplace better to be. You are free to fly, you are the wind.

A long road back

I don't know what it will be like looking back at these comments in years and thinking I had it all figured out. I was sure Sora was the one - he went back into the firmament, floated on up out of reach, then out of sight. And sometimes I see a small star at night where I know he is, and I look at it and shake my head at the perfect person I wanted to be like and not the perfect person to be with. I won't ever stop feeling that way about him, I don't think.

Kaito is the new kid in town. Something about him is really special. I just don't know what it is. I do honestly really like him. Maybe he's not as good looking as some of the other candidates, but I do like who he is an awful lot. His wonderful brain is attached through a cute body to what could be the most satisfying penis I've ever come across. His dick is in all real terms perfect. It's delicious, and honestly it's the dick I've been looking for. And the head it's attached to is in love with me, which makes it nice when he's going to make a life change to be as close to me as possible for the next as long as he can.

It helps that I also love him, too. He's .. 落ち着け。But on the other hand, he's a wild and talkative 落ち着け that I want to become as well. He's genuinely submissive, I feel like he doesn't need to listen. He's not there yet. I feel like I'm running out of Japanese to use on him. That's ironic and funny. He needs to ask me more questions, he does talk about himself and his experiences a lot. We also talk about the here and now about how this relationship is awesome. He's making a huge life change for someone he doesn't really know, but trusts.
--
A year later, I met Kaito. Funny that he sort of fell out of the sky into my lap when I had been chasing and chasing the other boys for such a long time prior to this. Sora was literally a hunt; I sat on that cliff waiting for that butterfly to come back, and when he did, he had completely evolved. I don't even know what I was looking at anymore. It was not a horseshoe evolution I had hoped for, it was twisted and not flying like it used to. I miss his company, his warm body, and his "japanese-ness". I would have had a lifetime of constantly hoping for more. Ryo offered a similar escape from the familiar with a romance and caution that I felt would sooth me. He wasn't the straightforward grace of Sora. He was just Ryo. There was something sacred about him, he was scared of going "all gay".

I waited for Sora all year. He was the reason the year started for fuck's sake. 6 months into it, Sora's out of the picture. I meet boy after boy, some near, some far, some good at conversations, some good at sex. I'd say the vast majority of the guys I met were my type. I'm into guys. Wow, duh. It's so much easier to date guys. Hang out for a bit, play around, fuck if they're cute enough. Sometimes the conversations are pretty entertaining, too, and I get that nice surge of whatever brain chemical comes with speaking a foreign language fluently.

Kaito was sort of a fluke anyway.

I just read our messages from when we first met. He's so sweet and trying. My Japanese just doesn't make sense sometimes. Wow, did I just introduce proofreading?

He does things that I do, so it's like having a perfect companion. He plays games, he wants me to play with his dick, we talk, we cook. I like to stay up late and laugh. he likes to get up early and make coffee for everybody. I love this man. We really could start some sort of family.

So that is what I have now. It's a real relationship. A real gay relationship. I think the difference was that I never found somebody that I felt would protect me from it all. Now I did - whoever could possibly confront me on being gay won't hurt me at all because I instead have this man that I love that loves me back. I real significant other. He's more than that. He's my other half. It's strange because usually I want to be the people I'm into man-wise. But he's just all of the things I want in a best friend and partner and he loves me back. I think I'm all of those things to him as well. I need to figure out what I'm missing, what I can provide, and what I can try to do emotionally. The problems is I analyze everything so much that I eliminated my emotions completely in the past. Here's somebody that I feel needs some additional emotional support that I should be able to provide - at least to the standards that a man needs emotional support. I don't know many gay couples. Actually, aside from a few older women who I've never thought of as humans at all up until this point in my life, I don't think I know any gay couples. What?!

So Kaito needs to move here. We can be close together every day. I don't know how long it's going to last before every single night one of us stays at the other's apartment. He's so fucking special to me. それも日本語をできるようになりましたね。難しいのは長い説明。それを何回もう説明しました。たくさんのデートさんと話したときはさあ。
俺も日本語を自分でタイピングすることがありません。いつもちょっと文章っぽいやつだけができましたと思う。だが、今、スムーズ日本語をお水のようなdelugeは今注いでいる。
毎日カイト君と一緒に過ごす。日本語をだんだん使って、上手になる。何について話した？過去の話題、もう一回話した？練習したいものあるのでしょうか？自分で、どんな口で話すの？外国人はそんな考えを一切考えたことないと思う。
実はこの通りだ。時々ため口。時々丁寧語。敬語も登場してはる。冗談と皮肉的な使い方ある。
自分のために、ブロッグを書く。もう一回読むことある？じゃ、確かに。日本語になれば、他の人からの防御力アップだと思う。馬鹿な思想だな。

カイト君を聞いてもらいたいこと
それ自体。

so what am i? What axis is that even trying to look down even? I want to be a happy meat robot as long as possible. I know that means taking care of onesself, so I should probably get on that, too. I love Kaito. He's going to be around for a really long time, especially if this move goes smoothly. I want to hold him, sleep with him, have sex with him, go on trips with him, talk about life, contemporary stuff, everything. we're already best friends. I want that to last forever.

7/29 Game Jam

One of those days, you know?

Leo moving back to China really grinds the old gears. Especially since he's coming back the week after Sora comes back. It makes a little more sense why he was a little distant in the previous few months, but I guess I could have had it worse.

My mind isn't all here tonight. So much going on. Still got pain, still on crazy meds, I feel like my hands are heavier than they have ever been. I'm actually strangely having a hard time concentrating on what I'm doing, I don't know if it's the fault of the tobacco or something else.

7/21 Friends

I always liked to think of myself as a social critter, but now that I'm experimenting with a couple more friends, I don't know if I can really keep it up. I'm turning into my dad: somebody who only really talks when there's talkin' that need to be done. That doesn't mean I don't talk to other people all the time, but I won't go out of my way to chat it up with somebody if I don't have to.

Sora sent me a birthday present, he obviously didn't know that it was my birthday (I'm sure he got a notification about it on his phone) and then he decided to send me something. I don't know why he's doing it. I don't know what kind of boyfriend he's going to be once he comes back. I'm so confused! I wish he was just gone forever so I could focus on the rest of my life. I worry that this is the real curse of adulthood - it's hard to connect with people and have real conversations.

Which really makes this whole thing such a bunk. I make friends but I don't know just how close they want to be. Leo is a nice guy - too nice. Too quiet. I wish we would share more. I don't know what type of person he is, which could be part of the cultural gap I keep trying to explore. Jun #1 is too bitchy; He is stuck in his own world and his own selfishness. Jun #2 could be exactly the type of friend I've been looking for, but I don't know quite what to give to him in terms of friendship. He lives in Osaka. Who else is in my life? Kouhei, talked to him once and he disappeared. Giulia is a girl lol. Sora is ... gone. Heart crushing. He'll be back, I'll be too nice, and then I'll resent the relationship for not going anywhere. We'll see how his English is. Maybe his personality will be completely different, too.

That doesn't leave me with very much left. There are so many people that claim they want "friends" but earning friends and keeping friends are two different things. As with the GDC experiment - just because you ask somebody to communicate with you or ask somebody to be your friend, it doesn't mean that they are going to come back and actually be one with you. I am strangely still alone in the world. I share my subtle victories with Cassy when I have to, and then wonder when the world is going to share their victories with me.