Thursday, July 13, 2017

7/13 Overheating

It's already 36 outside and mid July. I'm going to straight up roast when August comes around. Sora comes back 9 weeks from today. I'm not emotionally prepared for it. I'm not really prepared for anything.

So what's really been going wrong lately? After the std scare, I'm so fucking scared of people. I don't know what I want. Leo is cool, I guess, but I is so distant, most of it is the language. He's really the reason I'm posting tonight, a post I haven't made in a seriously long time.

I need somebody who can care for me emotionally. It's not easy, I think that's the kind of caring face I've mostly been looking for over the past lifetime. I need someone who can just hold me when I'm having a bad day. Of course, I'll be there for them, too. Is it Sora? Probably not, at least not today. He's stuck in his own life. I certainly care for him a ton, but if I don't get anything back from him, I'm really sad. Leo is just distant, he's a weird emotional rebound from Sora, who was the catalyst. Jun... Oh what to do about Jun. He could be perfect. He is in love with me and we don't even know each other. I could see myself seriously loving him back, though. It's just a killer he doesn't live here. He needs to know the truth.

Aside from my destroyed emotional state, I don't know what I want. The heat destroys me physically, work destroys me mentally. I have nothing left to use to fight socially and emotionally. Koichi is certainly going to be a burden. Yuck. I love that little puffball, too. I'd be taking the subway everyday if he didn't exist ;)

I need to figure out my life. Ffffuuuu not this shit again...

Saturday, June 10, 2017

6/11 Bad Dreams

Fear is a strange emotion. Somewhere on the border if fight or flight, perched at the edge of emminent danger, fear waits in hiding ready to strike. Usually it comes as a direct response to actual physical danger, but since we as a species have eliminated all but our own self-inflicted troubles, fear remains in the back seat waiting for its time to shine.

Sometimes my dreams feel more real that usual. I can't separate the dream world from reality. I wake up confused. I wake up relieved. If we can't exercise our response to fear enducing stimuli in the real world, our minds still create it for us in our sleep.

Last night was not about physical danger, but what I fear most - losing Sora. My mind floated a warning. It clued me into the terrifying reality that I'm completely clueless about. It came in the form of a phonecall in a dream. An accidental phonecall at that. Sora was annoyed. He was frustrated. He wanted me to go away. And I know this is not just some hallucination but an abject reality. He has a new life, he doesn't need me around reminding him that he's needed back here, too.

The signs are rare and subtle. They face the wrong way on a highway, as if blown around by the wind. Sora has a life and a support network that doesn't involve me. And that's the frustrating part about all of this. I know for certain who I am.and what relationship I want to be a part of, and how much I want the other person to be him. But it's emotionally unsustainable. I am annoying, I don't hide enough. I say what I'm feeling. The things I provide do not create comfort. I'm not easy. Certainly not. And yet I expect the world from a man who is looking for something easy. I thus haven't provided him with what he needs, either.

I'm a social creature with no social side. I like to talk, analyze, consider, investigate. New people come into my den, spin around, and leave. I capture the hearts of the eager until they realize I focus too much. It's not sustainable. It's not controllable. It sure as hell isn't easy.

But Sora is too nice. He's sleeping around because he gets comfort out of it. Now he's living with this guy. Is he happy? Is he fulfilled? I have no idea. I'm the pathetic one begging to find out like some crazed fan.

I don't hate myself for being like this, I just hate what it does to my relationships. Let's look at the rules for a minute. Rules are important to me, that's what gives me a framework for improvement. Maybe that's why this relationship is so hard. I don't know what the rules are. I play by my own. I'll come back to the some other day.

Sora is getting happy, but I'm invisible to him. I love him. I wish he knew what to do. I wish I knew what to do. And sitting him down and asking is where our incompatibilities lie; my success in this relationship lies in a few places: provide Sora physical wealth, provide him a framework to feel like he has worth, and provide him with an outlet to grow.

Maybe typing that out was what I needed. So, consider where and what he's got now. Money? Check. New boyfriend is rich and has lots of nice stuff. He definitely takes the monetary pressure off. Sora is able to give Chris sex; I didn't, or couldn't, but Sora wants to give that to me. God I hope so. Lastly, Chris gives him the opportunity to grow- full time language practice, in a foreign country, with no responsibility. That sounds exactly like what he wants. With constant ego boosting (Sora wants to hear how beautiful he is), and barebones emotional support, sounds like a great match for Sora. Damn. So I need to be more like Chris and less pathetic. I can try.

So does this mean we shouldn't talk? I just need to look like I'm doing well for myself, that Sora can come and be my boy and his quality of life will improve. That's the ultimate challenge. I'd be annoyed with me, too, if somebody was dumping nothing but emotional garbage on me. Esp in the way I am. I am playing with fire. How many weeks until he gets back?

But he doesn't need to know all of this internal shit. I wish he cared. He's not my psychiatrist. I have other friends for that. Once he trusts me as the strong one, I think this relationship will work. I can't be miserable in the meantime though.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

6/4 Labor trees

I've been a worker my whole life.

there's always been workers.

the world is broken into those who dominate and those who are dominated. the strong dominate the weak. it's always been this way; it's why lions sleep 20 hours a day. the males don't even hunt.

at some point in history, there also became the manager. in the beginning, the manager probably also was a worker, but as his management duties became more and more, he stopped working and worked by telling people what to do.


so you have workers, and people who tell people to work.



-

slave drivers and slaves

but i'm sure there are managers out there who think "well my job is shit, I get told what to do all the time" and that's also true. That means you're a worker, too. Your work involves telling people what to do.

but somewhere on the top, there are people who don't work, who own the whole tree itself. and as the trees get bigger and bigger, so does the money that makes its way to that person.

giant trees are also risky. if your tree dies, your business crumbles, you might be left with a pile of money, but your tree is dead, too. you can no longer generate wealth. So, instead of owning one tree, I own a fraction of a bunch of trees, so if one doesn't do well this year, the ones that did quite well will make up for it.

this is why a big company hires a new ceo to try something, and even if he fucks up, he still gets big money. the owners have to pay for the fertilizer, even if it doesn't work.

-

so let's think about laws for a minute.

there are laws that are obvious - thou shall not kill - intended to protect consumers

and there are also laws you would expect for a business that are common sense ,too, to protect consumers - you must say the contents of something when you sell it.

every year, the leaves fall off the trees. replacing leaves might be more expensive that keeping them on, from a leaf's perspective. If a tree dies, the workers will be inconvenienced to have to find new jobs in the meantime, but the owners who take the free money take a huge blow. So, they also have laws to keep the labors trees alive. Some of them are there to protect little trees - like copyright, but there are also laws that exist to protect giant trees - like a no-community broadband restriction.

-

So how do we change it?
First, why do we want to change it?
in 2017, the average WORKER produced a little over $100 an hour of value to the economy in the united states. That's incredible! However, for all but a disgustingly small fraction of a sliver actually saw anywhere near that kind of money in their pockets. Workers money goes up the trees - the owners and shareholders took in almost $4 trillion in 2016 - even if we average to the top 1% of Americans, those people take an average XXXX (look this up).

second,

in america, there's a lot of work to be done, and the vast majority of it comes in the form of products to make and products to fix. your body is also a product to fix. But, there's a lot of work that could be done around town to make the cities you live in.

-

How many times have you heard "the government can't do anything right!"
it's a hoax. the truth is, the government doesn't really do anything, and it can easily be changed. The owners don't want to waste work on things that don't make money. A city just needs to contract out a private company to fix a bad road; to build a park. People should get free healthcare.

-

However, not all workers are created equal.
the good workers are jealous. we've been taught that there are "unworthy others"; that not all americans are actually equal. But it's not true.

-

so how do we fix it.
Voting.
right now we have two parties. you can guess which parties represent which groups. One party unabashedly represents the owner class. They don't even pretend at this point. the other party claims to represent the workers. Republicans ARE dominant, democrats are submissive. and on the lowest levels, republicans win because people don't want to be submissive, and they have created "undeserving others" as a boogeyman to prevent receiving something wonderful like free college.

the owners are also really good at using religion to keep themselves in power. The witchhunt is still real - candidates on the left are always berrated about how much they support abortion, or their record on gun rights. Gays can finally marry in this country, but has there been a popular openly gay politician? What are people scared of?

I was in montana this year to visit my family. Everybody has guns. It's a way of life. It's a hobby, it's to feel safe. We don't want to take all that away.

-

there's work to be done, and there's plenty of money to put into the economy. spending money on a new sidewalk doesn't mean the money disappears. Are you still using that iPhone you bought in 2007? you paid for that, the economy moved on, and it's probably sitting in a drawer somewhere if it hasn't already been given to recycling. Spending money on public works, or on healthcare, doesn't mean it's wasted money; it actually goes back into the economy almost immediately. Instead,

-

So, workers should be voting to create rules that protect them. If the workers banded together, in as few as 6 years from this video being published, no worker in this country would have to work more than 30 hours a week, labor jobs that don't produce value would still be paid enough that these people could relax when they aren't on their feet, healthcare would be free, and hundreds of inventors and scientists could be on their way to solving the climate crisis. Public spaces could be saved and developed, communities could build fast, neutral internet, and we could work with our allies across the globe to continue to keep everyone safe from terrorism and non-human caused threats as well.

-

I've been fed a lie my whole life - work hard and you'll be rich. But it's not true. We're shown examples of extremely talented people who created a product or a system and are now multimillionaires. Jeez, if only I wrote a book about a magic boarding school for wizards; or invented the sham-wow, I'd be rich, too!
But it's a lie the owners want you to believe, because you'll work very hard. Take the game platform Steam for example.

If I created an amazing indie video game, a perfect woven masterpiece of gameplay, new features, graphics, sound, and showed it to the world, maybe it would catch like wildfire, and i could sell a million copies. - That's one way.

But, to steam's eyes, selling a million copies of one game is exactly the same as selling a a million copies of a whole truckload of games that individually might not sell a dozen all by themselves. So they encourage these "indie developers" to work really hard, boys, and holy crap they did. They created 4300 new games to steam in 2016. And they sold very very well. So, the labor tree in steam's case is a hell of a lot wider, and the owners in that case are still just sitting back and letting the money appear.

-

But, don't the winners of this deserve the money they are earning? if somebody figures out the system, shouldn't they be rich?

I'm not advocating the utter takedown of labor trees and the end of western civilization. This is simply how a functioning society works. You've heard from many people and economists everywhere that say "Communism doesn't work". With no incentives and no structure, the west would collapse.

-

what about the stock market?
We simply vote for bigger guaranteed pensions (social security) and earlier retirement ages. The money exists!! The workers exist!! The owners want us instead to put our money in the stock market  - which allows them to control and build giant labor trees with a constant stream of new money. instead of work being done to improve our communities, work is being done to create more products that end up as waste.

-
won't rising wages drive up the prices? how will small stores stay in business if they have to pay higher wages?

-
what about my issue? the democrats are the only ones that care about me!
workers need to protect themselves first. as long as somebody performs a task, they should be protected from being fired or being paid less for who they are. if a law stated that everybody's salary had to be public, could a woman make less than a man if she had the exact same position?

"The government can't do anything right!"
it will when we are in charge of it.

What about guns!
You'll need guns to protect yourself from the owners.

-

take my hometown for example. If they made a grand list of everything in town that needed work done to it, to make it a perfect city to live in, they may come up with tens of thousands of hours of work to do fixing city streets, building new parks, planting trees, improving security, building a new school, knocking down a burned out building. It would be massive, but it would be finite. All across the country, communities could sit down and not argue about what would be done first, but just what needs to be done at all. We could devote resources to our country first, and make our cities healthy places to be.
-

but won't companies just move to other countries? america will turn into mexico!!
americans are the most productive workers in the whole world.
And even if the top lost 20% of their income,

-
this is income distribution!
It's work distribution. Having people work is a natural way to earn money. By changing what people do to work, our countr

-
but look around. public things suck! private are way better
they would still be privately built. They could be privately operated. If your post office was twice as big with workers incentized to get people out the door, how must faster would you get in and out of there? How about the DMV? If you asked anybody on the street how to make the post office in their town faster, they could tell you how. It's not rocket science, there just aren't enough workers to do the work.


Saturday, April 29, 2017

4/29 Vacation

6am and no way I can keep sleeping. Jet lag and stress will do this to you. I'm feeling what I was feeling last monday- that I don't belong. That's a tough thing to get over,. especially at 430am on a night I could use some sleep. Same shit, different decade. This time, I don't have a distraction.

I don't know what to do.about Sora. I want to wait for him, but I'm starting to lose hope that he likes me and would be willing to put up with me. Do I want to suffer through years of this shitty job for a vague chance that this quiet guy is going to like me.back? That's obviously my concern. To him, there are lots of older white guys who are interested in him. To me, there's a shrinking pool of nice guys like him interested back. That sucks. I don't feel like I have much of a chance at happiness, and Sora is the one I'm currently waiting for.

I don't have the time to type everything out, but like other stress, when it rains in pours. Work is going to kill me. I have no leisure time. No Sora, no love. At least my health is pretty good and I have money. But I'm lonely and stressed. I need a way to get on top of my shit again and I'm going to feel a lot better.

And sleep. My head already fucking hurts.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

4/23 Storm before the Calm

It's funny when you have somewhat an expectation of things but they turn out completely different. That was my day today; a stupid "date" that ended up being almost a complete waste of time.

But time is nothing to really worry about. I have nothing but time for the next 4.5 months. I'm excited to go to Montana just to get my mind off of things for awhile. 10 days, two and a half in the sky, means that's plenty of time to stop thinking about missing Sora so much and what my life is really like without him.

This is a strange time for me - work is obviously completely blowing me away, but I feel like I have absolutely nothing else to latch onto. I would usually write these long things about how I need to program more, how I need to exercise more, how I need to study more, but I feel like the light has just drained out of my whole world. And it's not just Sora being gone that's doing it to me, I feel like I have absolutely nothing. Even if work was going well, even if Sora was here by my side, I feel totally empty. I don't know what it is, it's like everything I've tried so hard to get over these last few years of my life has been for absolutely nothing and I have no redeeming value remaining.

And deep down, I know that isn't true at all. I've come into my own for a lot of things, and obviously my Japanese has reached a point where I can just be (minus skype lol). But really, I don't know what I want to accomplish from here. The cartoon? Sounds fun. I have every possible thing I need to produce an amazing, funny, thought provoking piece about something. But I just have zero motivation to sit down and make it a reality. Same for a book, same for short stories. I'd rather sit here and pretend I'm happy to just masturbate to the same videos and pictures I have for the last decade.

Really, though, I don't feel like I'm just wasting away, either. I feel like it's something else. A stagnant something. Like I'm just going to let the rest of the world keep moving, and I'm going to sit here watching it progress while there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do with myself, and I can't start anything huge now - i'm leaving the country in just a few day's time.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

4/20 Project Promise Puzzles

So i did it with my life. I finally realized what it means. It's all about Project Promise. Who i was, what i wanted to accomplish. To me, that was fun, a break from the absolutely torture and mundane shit that was 3rd and 4th grade.

and i'm an adult now, and i solve project promise puzzles for a living.

i live in japan (a project promise puzzle) and i program video games for a living (ppp). i have a boyfriend who doesn't speak english natively (ppp) but teaching him english is awesome. i have a sidekick named Koichi. he's a poodle. he wears a little banana cape. it's adorable.

but i just want everything to be this puzzle to solve. a riddle to crack, a tough nut to open. i also build things up to be way more interesting than they are. Build a high tower with glue and sticks and a rubberband ball. Ok, that's got some boundaries. Teach your boyfriend English: not quite the same level of it.

Anyway, i just ran up against a doozie of a project promise puzzle at my job, and i had to stop and talk it out in order to actually solve it. it involved many intricate moving pieces, lots of repeated information that had to be chopped up, copied, and manipulated in interesting ways, and attached to something that moves! so i'll know if it works or not immediately.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

4/20 the programming test

A lot of companies talk about adding things to their tests to get work done for them for free.

here's what i need written to get backslash to run.

---
not all of my job is actually building the thing. my job can't always be like project promise. And here is where it's really tough. here is an actual hard engineering problem. I need to solve it to sell my next game.

I'm going to send you a little scripting language, and a machine that can parse it into a data structure for you automatically.

it's an event system comprised of conditions and actions. the conditions aren't simple yes-no situations, they select a series of objects hierarchically so nested conditions trigger based on the parent's results. For any condition block, there can be a nested series of actions that can be taken on the objects that passed during the condition stage.

if all of the conditions yield true or at least one object is selected during this phase, after the actions are all run, the sub events run their conditions also on the remaining objects that were selected.

However, if a during one of these nested stages a new ,object is added to the list of selected object types, i need it, also, to be added the list of objects that the actions run on.

However, sometimes i'm going to do something in the actions that creates an object, or references a certain special object, and it will affect the next action.
for example, if one of the actions is to spawn an object, i need it to only affect the one that has things happen to it. holy shit , that sentence was a trainwreck.
---

god damn these electric typewriters are amazing

--

so the electric typewriter
made
anything that's ever existed or will be existed visible for free at any time.

any visual, audio, etc media is now completely free. It is. I can "illegally" download anything, like there are laws against donloading something unless you own a copy, whatever, but that's just a government ruling. they aren't actually stopping any of this like it was a law of nature. And yes, they bust some people sometime to scare the public when they want profits to change
(like literal lobbying)

So lobbying is scum

Lobbying has destroyed american government. because government should be about the people, not about the money behind things that happen. copyright is a perfect example. that there is inherent bump of money required for something is absurb. people want to make art all day long and still eat, i understand, but realize that's all you're doing. you aren't "an artist". You are an artist because you've dedicated your life to something. Yep, it's true. And that's why the world asks "does the world need artists" and other shit. I'm eating. I'm happy. I make enough money to be happy. I really really do, and this place where i live is going to be like heaven for awhile.

with my wolf companion that's somehow wearing a banana cape. Team Bananas. He's quite the character